(a cheesy story, beware) it’s been almost 2 years now that i don’t have a serious relationship. a dry spell. i have a brief one in the two years time but it was just ‘for fun’ or time filler and nothing serious. well, quite pathetic if i want to sum it into one word. i’ve been searching though since then but oddly there were none available. mostly of course i choose becasue of lust. i remember vaguely, on my first year in univ, i’ve got this nice, beautiful girl as a girlfriend. i got a lot of reactions from my friends and people i don’t know. some were envy, some were supportive but mostly they try to ruined my relationship. it’s not a paranoid or innermonologue. i don’t know why they would do such thing to me. maybe i threaten them in some way? lastly, the relationship didn’t work and it lasts for only 1 1/2 year. well umm…i caught her cheating with other man (someone’s husband, no less) at some apartment in KL. that um…suck. probably i should’nt pick a WHORE as a girlfriend.

a couple of months after that, i found a new relationship. actually i knew this girl while i’m still in a relationship with THAT WHORE on an event. we just chat a bit and exchange numbers in case we need help or something since she was in the same faculty of mine. someday, we bumped each other, talking at a cafe and suddenly sparks bursts. well, um, i started to have feeling towards her. my social life is not a big secret back then. even she knew my past and asking what are the status of my relationship with THAT WHORE. a month after, we became an item. i have a relationship again. i was happy…but only for 1 year (shit, a curse?). during that time, something awful happened. some asshole been spying on me. a stalker. my personal life, my address, my telephone number were shared among them in some secret underground world. spooky. after a big confrontation, it went away but my second relationship has already on the rocks and to add on to it, she knew about me going out with THAT WHORE. well um…maybe i have a soft spot for a slut. ha ha.

to end all this big mess, i ended it up nicely (dump). no friends, no calls, no letters. i haven’t contact one of them since. from that time to now, i haven’t have a serious relationship. probably i developed a fobia. one day, i got a raya card from my sekolah rendah crush. she gave me her phone number. so, i reply the raya card by giving my number. she called me asking how am i doing, i called her to wish rari raya. you all know lah, the usual stuff. hoping to find a relationship again, i asked her out last friday. to catch up what we’ve been up to since. the outing was successful. she was gorgeous like the last time i saw her. we went for a movie, a dinner, a stroll in the park, etc. i started to have this butterfly in my stomach. a great feeling. a chemistry. a sparkle or whatever else. maybe this is the last chance i’ve got to start a relationship again. while driving to her house, i asked her a question so i could ‘seal the deal’. erm…for a mood killer, she answered that she already have found someone in her life. i was late for 1 month. if only i could found her earlier. after she answered that, i feel like driving into a cliff or something. it’s like a big rock has crushed me to the death. i controlled my feelings and keep it professional until she walked out of the car. after waving goodbye and confirmed she had gone into her house, i drive back to my house screaming, punching the windscreen and banging my head on the streering wheel all manly. ha ha…but i don’t cry though.

after a long staring at the sky moment, i guess it is not my time. look like i have to wait for it some more. i can get her some other way but i didn’t want to be the bad guy who ruined other people happiness. we’ve already agreed that we’re just friends. let her happy for once and maybe one day i’ll find mine…

pada mulanya, aku bercadang hari ni nak tido. cover tido semalam dan malam-malam kelmarin. penat woo asyik driving aje. tapi tak jadi pulak. hari ni ada hal sikit. aku ke kajang hari ni. bawak adik aku berubat dengan sorang pakcik ni. ayah saudara aku yang rekemen. orang kata bagus. aku tak kisah le, harapnya adik aku ni terus baik lepas ni. takde muntah-muntah ke apa ke. dalam satu jam lebih la jugak duduk kat rumah pakcik tu. dah habis berubat, aku pergi makan satay kajang haji samuri kat bandar kajang. satay ni bukanle makanan favourite aku dan aku takde le gila-gila sangat satay ni. tak hype bak kata anak-anak muda. cuma saja je alang-alang dah sampai kat sini, makan aje le satay kajang original. kat KL ni banyak sangat satay kajang tiruan. mahal pulak tu. lagipun bile lagi nak merasa, iye tak?

tak ramai pulak orang time aku pergi situ. mungkin semua masih beraya. aku order satay 20 ayam, 10 daging campur dengan nasi impit. testimonial aku? well, ok la satay kajang original ni. takde le sedap gile. rasa cam satay-satay standard. harga secucuk pun berbaloi la dengan saiz satay dia tuh kalau nak dibandingkan dengan satay lain. cam satay kat tempat lain. harga mahal, tapi saiz kecik. huh. nasi impit dan kuah dia pun, allright le jugak. nak pulak bile dicampur dengan sambal pedas tu. fuh…

mungkin lain hari kalau aku datang kajang lagi, boleh makan lagi. ataupun ada sesiapa kat sini nak belanja aku ke atau bawak aku pergi jalan sana ker…

horizon di highway pantai timur
uh…bangun lambat lagi hari ni. tengahari baru terjaga. selepas perbincangan ringkas, orang-orang tua memutuskan untuk balik KL hari ni. aku ok je. tak tau le kalau adik beradik aku yang lain tu nak stay lagi. lepas packing, salam-salam, terus berangkat ke KL. time driving kat highway ni pun bawak pelan-pelan je. bawah 110km/h. aku speeding pun bila dah masuk ke karak sebab time tu dah gelap. sebelum sampai rumah, family aku singgah makan kat syed dulu. tak sangka gak raya tahun ni aku dapat duit raya lagi. ha ha ha…dah 22 pun masih dapat duit raya. tapi aku ingat tak nak belanja aa duit tu, buat simpan dalam bank ok gak. boleh buat nak pergi umrah nanti…he he he…kalau dah siap transfer ke pc gambar raya aku tu, nanti aku letak dalam galeri gambar aku okeh.

uh…bangun je da tengahari. eh bukan, 11 pagi. seb baik takde orang datang beraya lagi. time tengah tunggu tandas available, aku sambung tido plak dalam bilik. last-last memang bangun tengahari. orang dah balik beraya. lepas mandi dan memakai baju raya aku yang baru (hmm…), aku gerak pergi rumah sedara kat kubang buaya. ingatkan nak pergi rumah jos, tapi dia senyap je. time lepak-lepak dan makan-makan kat rumah sedara tu, pakcik aku ajak pergi segamat ambik kereta dia hantar baiki kat situ. kat felda keratong. fuh, beraya kat felda aku hari ni. sampai sana petang, tunggu orang yang baiki kereta tu, ada la dekat malam baru siap. jadi aku melantak kuih raya member pakcik aku aje le kat situ. dah setel semua, gerak ke kuantan. malamnya tak buat apa-apa pun. cuma buat rancangan sesama sedara aku pergi makan kat kedai mamak, pastu jalan tc (teluk chempedak). hujan time tu, jadi nak jalan keluar tak boleh. round-round dengan kereta aje le. pastu lepak-lepak layan vcd cerita white chicks. ho ho…

fuh…lowered gile kereta ni.
jarak sampai posting ni dari pc ke website agak lambat (3 hari?), oleh itu, aku dengan selambanya memutarkan balik jam untuk kebahagiaan archive dan keselesaan database. raya ke dua? oh, aku habiskan sepanjang hari kat lebuh raya. orait? berhari raya dengan kereta. aku bertolak dari penang dalam pukul 1pm. aku ingatkan sampai le cepat kat KL, tapi hujan lebat gile time kat penang dan kat lembah beringin. aku tak nampak jalan langsung. selain tu, aku bawak berhemah giler time tu. 110km/h ataupun 90km/h. baik sungguh. ni sebab tak nak kena saman lagi aa…kopak aku nanti. time yang aku boleh speed pun masa hujan. aku bajet laser polis tu tak boleh nampak punye time hujan ni. tapi bawak laju time hujan tu pun aku takut-takut gak, sebab bahaya. dah le kereta kecik, bawak adik beradik lagi. sampai aje kat sempadan selangor, aku tak pikir panjang dah, terus aje speed masuk sungai buloh. time tu dah berenti hujan. mrr2 pun kosong je walaupun pakcik samy dah kasi ‘line’ gune jalan tu. aku berhenti kejap kat burger king kat mrr2 tu, makan dan rilek-rilek jap.

habis je rilek (dalam 20minit), aku terus masuk highway gombak-karak. nak gerak ke kuantan. sebelum tu lepak tunggu kereta ayah aku kejap lepas tol. sampai je ayah aku, terus aku pecut masuk highway. ayah aku kasi green light nak pegi dulu. time tu dalam pukul 7 lebih. disebabkan dah malam, so aku terus menerus aje speeding. tak kira kereta kecik ke apa ke. time nak masuk highway baru pantai timur tu, hujan lebat lagi. aku tak nampak apa-apa pun. gamble je jalan. dah suku jalan kat highway tu, baru hujan berhenti. gile gak mengantuk time drive kat highway baru tu sebab jalan dia lurus je. sempat berangan-angan lagi. kalau tak disebabkan aku bawak cd ‘compilation’ aku tu, tertido la aku bawak kereta tu. sepanjang jalan, aku cari-cari gak le jalan yang orang kata kalau korner boleh buang tu. tapi tak jumpa. emm…

sampai kuantan dalam pukul 10 lebih. duduk-duduk kat rumah atuk jap, pastu aku terus tertido. fuh…penat + mengantuk + boring = pengsan.

hurm…raya yang biasa untuk aku tahun ni. takde la luar biasa pun. macam tahun-tahun yang sudah. awal pagi, pergi sembahyang raya kat masjid bayan baru dengan ayah aku. nasib baik dapat masuk dalam masjid. punyalah ramai orang (especially workers kilang industri). double parking pun double parking lah. lepas sembahyang, baru aku ternampak fesyen-fesyen terkini yang diperagakan. minah-minah “industri” nih bergaya sakan woo…ambik-ambik gambar sana sini. but alas, ok la tuh. lepas edisi bersalam-salaman, bermaaf-maafan dan menangis bersama ahli kerluarga, kiterang makan. sudah tentu, favourite aku ketupat pulut, nasi minyak dan rendang daging. aku tak layan gila-gila sangat ketupat tu tapi makan tetap makan lah. lepas rilekkan perut, kiterang gerak ke kulim. rumah nenek aku. ramai yang ada kat sana. sedara mara, kawan-kawan lama. dapat jugak aku borak-borak pasal open source dengan pakcik aku. dia kerja manager ape tah kat sunway computers. ok gak tu, boleh le satu hari nanti aku buat intern kat sana ke, ataupun kerja terus kat sana. cuma berharap pakcik aku tawar projek yang best je kat aku nanti. ha ha ha.

habis di kulim, gerak ke rumah sedara mak aku pulak. wah…makan lagi. perut aku hebat. sambil menunggu mak aku berborak, aku tidur le dulu, atas kerusi. penat woo. balik je rumah, aku terus bongkang sampai tengah malam. aku terbangun terus aku tulis menatang entry nih. ha ha. ni pulak esok nak kena drive pergi kuantan pulak. aku 2 pilihan, sama ada gerak ke KL dan kemudian ke kuantan atau terus masuk ke genting sempah, yang bermaksud kena naik genting dulu. fuh…tak mau le aku naik genting. jahanam kereta. kang sesia je pepagi raya tu kena tukar brake disk yang terbakar. dulu dah pernah sekali naik, berbau hangit je brake tu. kalau bawak jeep 4 wheel drive takpe gak. aku pilih aje le gerak ke KL dulu baru kuantan. walaupun jauh, tapi…argh…penat!

petang tadi waktu amerika (6:57:04pm), domain aku secara rasminya berusia satu tahun. mula-mula aku ingat dah malas nak continue domain ni, nak pakai yang baru (azfar.my). tapi bila fikir balik, takpelah, for history sake. lagipun ramai dah tahu domain ni. payah nak promote baru nanti. struggle la jugak aku nak renew hari tu sebab dah nak dekat raya. kompeni yang handle domain ni pun dah nak cuti. nasib baik aku sempat. siap sms-sms lagi boss dia tuh. so, dengan ini, azfarismail.com survive untuk satu tahun lagi. harap dapat survive sampai bebila la hendaknye.

okaylah, gua chow dulu. selamat hari raya…

november 14, 2004 – 1 syawal 1425
me, azfar from azfarismail.com & azfar.my would like to wish all visitors a selamat hari raya aidilfitri. maaf zahir dan batin if i have done something wrong. enjoy the holidays!

phew, akhirnya sampai kat penang. touch down pukul 3:30 pagi. singgah kat restoran makbul nasi kandar kejap, sahur. aku gatal plak hari ni, pi makan telur 3/4 masak. sampai rumah, sakit perut. pas tu terus tidur. tahun ni gayanya aku raya kat penang. boleh la beraya dengan nenek aku kat kulim. raya kedua baru family aku gerak ke kuantan, sambung raya kat sana. selama drive memang penat. yang gile, yang sewel, semua ada kat highway tuh. berhati-hati le kalau korang pun drive balik kampung jugak. bangun je pagi ni, kepala aku pun rasa pening aje. lama tak drive malam kot?

aku ada lah dapat beberapa nasihat dari sumber-sumber yang boleh dipercayai, diorang suruh jumpa pakar anger management. fuhh, nak buat ape? tak perlu tak perlu. tapinya, bila aku duk sensorang fikir, kekadang aku terasa macam mungkin aku perlu pergi. aku pun tak tahu pasal apa. kebelakangan ni aku selalu marah-marah. sebelum ni ok je. semalam aje aku dah maki dekat 2 orang. satu kat pejabat pos, aku marah mamat yang duk kat kaunter ni, panggil dia “bapuk”. well, apa boleh buat. dia buat kerja terhegeh-hegeh sampai aku hilang sabar. line 4 orang je sampai nak dekat setengah jam menunggu. satu lagi aku maki apa tah, kat stesen minyak petronas kat rumah aku. aku panggil minah kat kaunter ni, nak mintak duit baki aku, minah ni boleh buat tak tahu je. aku tak peduli dah lepas tu, terus aje sembur walaupun ada banyak cctv kat situ. lantak le. mungkin aku kene kurangkan makan daging atau apa-apa chemical lain yang aku selalu telan. ataupun mungkin ni semua dugaan aku bulan puasa. atau mungkin juga sebab kl ni memang bandar yang penuh dengan stress. tapi yang pentingnya, aku perlu banyak-banyak bersabar. udah-udah le nak marah-marah orang ni. buat darah tinggi je. sakit nanti sapa yang susah kan? aku jugak…he he he. ok, nak tido dulu…

fuh…tinggal sepuluh hari lagi puasa. pejam celik, dah dekat 20 hari. tak tau lagi bila boleh jumpa bulan ramadhan ni. next year belum tentu. kalau ikutkan, aku nak tidur dah ni tapi tak boleh. mata tak nak pejam. mungkin sebab tadi aku pergi minum kopi. so, aku menulis aje lah. tadi shimi ambik aku kat rumah, pergi lepak-lepak. dia bawak alid. lama gile aku tak jumpa alid. dia pun dah grad, dah kerja, dah besar (hehe…), dah jadi working-class. so, disebabkan dia dah kerja, tak sah la kalau aku tak merasa duit gaji dia. kiterang pergi minum kat restoran dikayu. cam biasalah, order roti tisu. lepas tu lepak mru jap, aku nak print proposal database.

dalam pukul 3 lebih, aku pergi makan sahur kat satu restoran mamak terkemuka kat area pusat bandar kuala lumpur. aku pergi dengan family member. punya la berpusing-pusing cari restoran mamak, kebanyakannya full. well, hujung minggu. pukul 3 lebih lak tu. kiterang pun duduk order la kat restoran mamak tuh. kalau ikutkan, aku memang tak gemar makan kat restoran tuh. dulu ada sejarah silam kat situ. tapi sebab ada seorang ahli keluarga aku teringin nak makan kat situ, aku pun ikut lah. scene kat restoran mamak tu memang kacau-bilau. bising. aku teringat lah dulu aku makan kat restoran tu, order roti telur. tak sedap langsung. keras lak tu. so, aku order roti nan cheese. pun tak best langsung. time tunggu makanan tu, aku perhati la sekeliling. tengok anak muda melayu ramai gila ‘konker’ tempat tu.

ramai melayu kat situ aku tak kisah sangat. apa yang aku terkejut sikit ialah dressing diorang tuh. peh, sekor-sekor pakai seksa habis. tank-top, mini skirt, hot pants, etc. melayu tuh semua. bangsa lain tak nampak le plak camtu. so, best guess aku diorang ni semua baru balik clubbing dari disko yang terkenal dikalangan anak muda mudi di KL nih. tidak la nak cakap aku ni old fashion atau tak open minded. tapi, takkan le diorang ni time sekolah dulu belajar agama hanya untuk suka-suka atau terpaksa? tidak kah diorang ni tahu nak menghormati bulan mulia nih? ada la dikalangan kawan-kawan aku yang memang tersohor kaki clubbing, tapi bila bulan puasa, dia tahu nak stop sekejap. hormat.

ish ish…apa yang aku boleh buat, geleng kepala sendiri-sendiri lah. nak tegur kang, ada yang mampus kene pukul pulak kang. well, sekarang ni semua suka main pukul-bunuh, walaupun kita berniat baik. dari pemerhatian aku, kebanyakannya baru berumur 18 tahun. dah tak tahan nak merasa kehidupan enjoy muda mudi KL. mak bapak diorang ni tak kisah ke anak balik pepagi buta, berkepit dengan jantan / betina siang malam. mak bapak tak educated agaknya. ataupun dysfunctional family. tu belum lagi aku masuk bab free sex. kalau tak, panjang lebar le ‘ceramah’ aku kat sini. aku tulis ni takde le nak tunjuk aku ni bagus sangat. aku pun serba kekurangan. tapi aku cuba la nak elak buat benda-benda camni. aku sedih, melihat anak bangsa aku camni. habis semuanya hancur lebur. leka dengan dunia sementara ni. leka dengan fatamorgana. sibuk dengan hiburan 24 jam, 7 hari seminggu, 365 hari. sia-sialah usaha pemimpin sebelum ni nak mendidik anak melayu supaya maju. silibus-silibus yang diajar kat sekolah dulu hanya masuk telinga kiri, keluar telinga kanan. camni ke bakal pemimpin negara? huh…taik kucing. okeh, sekian dulu ceramah aku untuk hari ni…

yeah…as most of you already know, i have bought a new domain:

www.azfar.my

activated today. cool huh having a .my second level domain. actually i wanted the .my first level domain (e.g: azfar.my) but jaring is kinda stingy and didn’t let me register that. so, i opted for other options and choose name.my instead (to have a .com.my or .net.my, you must have a company registration letter and to have a .org.my, you must have a organisation registration letter. susah sket). also, i have decided to keep the domain azfarismail.com as well for the history sake and because of many people already know the domain. hurrah!…so, now my website can be reached at two domain. www.azfarismail.com or www.azfar.my. sadly the design is still the same and the contents, well…they suck…ho ho…okeh, later…

hello all. today is the day 20 of puasa. phew. i just got back from ocm last night. i was there setting up new server for ocm. we (the ocm web team) decided to use freebsd. ha ha ha…sorry lah ustaz. linux was great but not ‘that’ great. because of i’m the only one who know how and whereabouts of freebsd, i had to set up the server all by myself. which is tiring and tense. rasa macam nak hentak kepala atas monitor. i had to do the install thing about 4 times which i screw up something at the last 3. finally done 2 days after (i start working on that on saturday). well, hope all goes well.

btw, my domain expires on november 14, 2004. about 2 weeks from now. i have been doing some thinking and decide to discontinue my domain (azfarismail.com) due to some reason. i’m not going to stop bloggin though, no sir. the blog is still here but with another domain name. i have bought a new domain name and it’ll probably go permanent. unless anybody here gives a crap and advises me not to or somebody out there who is generous enough to donate me a sum of rm35 for the domain and rm90 for the webhosting (ha ha…which i doubt). ok lah, later aaight…

i wanna post this yesterday but apparently i’m sick. maybe i got it because of the ‘very cold’ air cond (ye ke shimi?) i have no idea what kind of fever i’m having since i was numb in my hands and legs and my hands are shaking. three tablets of uphamol kinda do the trick because i was feeling slightly better. but still, the fever is still there. probably i need about 2 or 3 days to wash it up. i never go to the doctor though. not that i’m afraid of them (duh!). uh, before the sick thing, i stay out after class to help my friend move out of his house. he found this new place where there is a guard, etc. etc. the place looks nice though, comparing to the old one. so, there we were carrying his stuff, on the evening, before we break fast. oh…we stop a while to break fast and a quick relax, then we continue. finished it about 10:30pm. that’s when my fever slowly went bad to worse. i can’t even drive the car. my friend do that for me.

oh, damn, the title is about good samaritan. i almost forgot. before i leave for home from my friends house, there were this couple park behind my car. a normal couple. they have a problem apparently. their car alarm has gone off and the have no fucking idea how to shut it down. probably their car battery has fucked up. i’m not a good person actually. i don’t help people often. i want to just go away from the scene actually. yeah, i’m that evil. but seeing them looking and thinking, i went to them and asked if they needed any help in a good manner way, not like a psycho killer or whatever. seeing that their car is a proton, i remembered all of their alarm has a kill switch. well, most of it if the car still uses the original alarm. i teach them how to disable the alarm without the hassle of yanking off the battery cable. which is stupid and is a really really last resort if you have no fucking clue what to do. i also warn them that because the car is malaysia made, the battery may go flat or i would like to say fucked up unnoticed anytime and anywhere. so people, take good care of your car. don’t think that once you know how to drive a car, you are that super. later aaight, got some pills to swallow…